Stop the shame storm. Seek the sunshine. You are enough.
A couple of weeks ago I gathered with a small group of co-workers as part of a Brene Brown: Dare to Lead workshop. We held a similar workshop this past summer as part of our internal book club and after watching her Netflix special, Call to Courage. Going through the workshop both times has been an eye-opening experience. It’s tough to be brave and vulnerable, especially in the workplace. But it’s critical for building connections and bringing more creativity and humanness to our work and teams.
While working through the ‘Shame and Empathy’ section of the workbook, it was an exercise on ‘Understanding Shame’ that once again hit me like a ton of bricks.
Brene (yes, I like to pretend we’re on a first name basis) sums it up in her book like this:
Shame which is often referred to as “the master emotion” by researchers, is the never good enough emotion. It can stalk us over time or wash over us in a second – either way, its power to make us feel we’re not worthy of connection, belonging, or even love is unmatched in the realm of emotion. If we lean into vulnerability and resist the urge to armor up, and that leads to our feeling blamed, put down, ignored, or pushed away, shame can deal such a painful blow to our sense of self-worth that just the fear of it can send us running from the vulnerability rumble.
Below are the questions from the workbook along with my written responses. As I was answering the list, one question in particular jumped out at me so much that I marked it with an asterisk and probably would have highlighted had I had a highlighter at the time.
Even as I shared my answer aloud in the group the other week, I added, “Oh yeah. This one always gets me.”
Question 8: “I know I’m in shame when I feel like I’m not enough”
This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, but I hadn’t previously made the connection to shame. While I thankfully didn’t grow up in an environment where my parents pushed perfection, I have consistently had the lingering thought that there is always more I can do or do differently. I’ve feared letting people down, myself included. This overwhelming and often consuming feeling has been like a self-inflicted wound that hasn’t healed.
I can so easily and quickly start to rattle off a list of my many shortcomings. I’m not…
- Smart enough
- Kind enough
- Fit enough
- Brave enough
- Prepared enough
- Pretty enough
- Patient enough
- Strong enough
The list can go on and on and usually turns into all the things I should work on because I need to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, fitness instructor, mentor, cook. Okay, being a better cook isn’t really on the list. The mister is an awesome cook and doesn’t need me in the kitchen. You get the idea though.
Before I know it, I’m in a shame storm. I’m not enough and I’ll never be enough.
Stop the shame storm. Seek the sunshine.
Knowing that shame and ‘enoughness’ is something that will continue to creep into my head and heart, I’ve started to think on how I can pull myself out of this when it happens.
Live with purpose and not for perfection.
Last year, I wrote and shared about My Purpose Journey – A Pathway to More Courage and Confidence. Going back through Brene’s workshop was a good reminder for me to do a little ‘purpose pulse check.’ Through this and thinking back through my journey, I’m finding myself humbled and grounded by imperfections and more inspired by my purpose. I’m a work in progress and as long as I’m living with purpose and not for perfection, I AM ENOUGH.
Find the tribe that supports your vibe.
Surround yourself with people that can lift you up and out of the storm. This will require you to be vulnerable and likely get a little more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Exposing your thoughts and feelings is a way of healing and it takes courage. And remember, courage is contagious. By putting your whole self out there you are opening the door for others to do the same and for us to love one another a little bit harder and to be more empathetic.
Have an attitude of gratitude.
It’s okay to celebrate yourself. In fact, it’s necessary. When we take time to really feel and share gratitude it can help center ourselves on what is most important in our lives. Big or small; celebrate yourself and those around you.
Build a rolodex with words of wisdom.
Yes, I’m old enough to know what a rolodex is and apparently you can still buy them on Amazon.
Below are quotes I’ve come across and like to keep in my back pocket. They’ve been helpful to have when I need a little ‘pick me up’ and also to share with others.
- “We won’t be distracted by comparison if we are captivated by purpose.”
- “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the change it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou
- “Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.” – Helen Keller
- “Taking time to enjoy success is just as important as creating it.”
- “Always remember: You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. Smarter than you think and loved more than you know.”
- “You are worth more than second thoughts and maybes.”
- “Don’t let imperfections stop you from showing up.”
- “If cauliflower can somehow become pizza…you, my friend, can do anything.”
I ended my first blog with this line…
“My journey to living in and leading from my purpose will go deeper and wider. As it does, I will continue to be vulnerable, trust myself more and take chances on the unknown.”
In wrapping up my second blog, I’d say I took a shot to do just that. I’m embracing being brave and being Brandi.
If you have quotes, blogs, podcasts, etc. that you’ve found helpful and empowering – please drop them in the comments or reach out to me. I’d love to hear from you.
